Self-Care or Selfish?
by
As a therapist, there’s not a week that goes by that I don’t talk with clients about the importance of honoring their needs, taking care of themselves, and, at times, putting themselves first. Without fail, most people have an averse reaction to this advice. Often, they’re concerned with being perceived as selfish, mean, bitchy, or cold if they put their needs first. Also, they worry that this could deem them “narcissistic.”
According to the almighty Wikipedia, ‘Selfish’ means “placing concern with oneself or one’s own interests above the well-being or interests of others.” Self-care, on the other hand, is defined as “personal health maintenance…an activity with the intention of improving or restoring health.” These definitions are very different. Selfish is a negatively-charged comparative term, demonstrating that one is thinking and/or behaving in a way that disregards others’ needs and feelings. Self-care, on the other hand, is a neutral term that simply focuses on an individual’s need to maintain their health, with no reference to others’ needs and feelings. This is an important distinction – just because you take care of yourself does not necessarily mean you don’t care about others.
Furthermore, ‘Narcissism’ is defined by a hyper-focus on one’s self, inability to empathize with others, exaggeration of one’s own achievements, and using other people to meet one’s own needs. In contrast, engaging in self-care can absolutely be accomplished while still considering others’ needs and feelings.
So, how do you engage in self-care without being selfish and denying others? Here are some tips to get you started:
1) Identify your body’s signs that indicate you need some time to take care of you. Maybe you get snippy with the kids, disconnected from your partner, yell at every driver around you, or cry more often than is normal for you. These are all signs that it’s time for a break.
2) Know what recharges your battery. For some of us, a quiet night alone feels great, whereas for others getting together with a good friend may be exactly what they need. If you’re unsure, experiment with different activities and notice which ones leave you feeling relaxed, energized, and happy. Remember, none of these activities need to be time-consuming, eventful, or expensive.
3) Quiet the mental chatter – take some time each day to notice your self amidst the hustle and bustle of your busy days. This allows you to check in with your body and notice how you’re feeling and what you’re needing. This can happen first thing in the morning over a cup of coffee, on your lunch break at work, or right before turning out the lights at bedtime.
4) Give yourself permission to say, “No.” Will others be disappointed? Maybe. Will others not like you? Doubtful. Will you feel better after not overextending yourself? YES! Remember, your self-worth is not measured by how busy you are.
5) Identify “toxic” relationships that leave little room for your needs. Evaluate if and how you can change this dynamic. If you can’t change it, then decide if you want to keep this relationship in your life. Perhaps you want to decrease the relationship, such that you have less contact with the person, or maybe the relationship needs to be cut out of your life. Only you know what is best for you, so listen to that.
It’s time to embrace the notion that self-care is not only a good thing, it’s a necessary thing! You are a better person, parent, partner, friend, sibling, and colleague when you listen to your body and take care of yourself. Just like parents flying with young children are reminded to put their air mask on first before securing their child’s in the event of a drop in cabin pressure, you, too, must put your self-care “mask” on before you can effectively care for others.
